our cab driver is having phone sex.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
