I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
