I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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