i need an iv and a liver transplant
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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