my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
