I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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