Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize