I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the condom got lost in my hair
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
