Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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