Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize