There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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