You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
