Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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