The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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