who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
