My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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