I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
