If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
