honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
