im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
