On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
