It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
