theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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