then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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