dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize