He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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