Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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