those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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