my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
