When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize