I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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