Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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