In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
