I think i peed on brittanys purse
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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