Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
