Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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