Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
