i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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