I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
