I puked a lego.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
