So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
