What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
