I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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