I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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