dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Randomize
