Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
