When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
