fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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