So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
