tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
