he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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