So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
