He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
