i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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