I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize