Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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