yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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