KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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