a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize