I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
