the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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