my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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